Author: Funke Egbemode

TAMUNO was a man-about-town. He played the field and sowed generously. He gave himself as well as his substance. He was the Nigerian version of Don Juan. He knew where all a girl’s buttons were and once he got his fingers on them, he kept them there until both he and the girl were sated and satisfied. And the girls were eager to please. Tamuno, the player, he reigned long, hard and deep. Of course, all good things must come to an end. So it was for Tamuno. He decided to retire from the players club. That was when his…

SOMETIMES a woman finds herself at a destination she did not plan for, a place where she neither bargained for nor boarded a bus or plane to. She just wakes up and finds herself there, a totally new place where she has to learn a new language, new coping skills, a different way of life. What is she supposed to do especially when the new place brings with it both fortune and challenges? Let us start with a woman who married a young brilliant middle-income man when they were both junior executives in a bank, and then 20 years later,…

DO women pretend when looking for a husband material? Well, the truth is they do. Do men do the same? You bet. We are all in the game, unfortunately. We all seem to have pasts that are as long as from Lagos to Gombe and so there is so much to hide. And we all want to hide them. But if you ask me, men encourage the pretext and the lies. A man who has taken 10 maidenheads wants to marry a virgin. Why shouldn’t there be girls who will do a concoction of alum and other corrosives to make…

MUDA had four wives. To their neighbours, all was well. There was never any noise of fight from their expansive compound. People envied the man . He must be a good man. He must be full wisdom. How is he able to make four women live under the same roof without broken jaws or endless stream of swear words and Yoruba curses? There must be something he knows about women that other men don’t. Then one day, Muda went on a trip. It was not the first time he was going on a long journey but that particular trip shook…

AFTER 15 years in the US, Bolaji returned to Nigeria, alone with only what can fit into his suitcases. He returned without a wife, his two children. He was not deported. His marriage failed. His wife got custody of the children and their home. Bolaji decided to return to Nigeria to start all over. ‘I counted my teeth with my tongue and told myself coming back to Nigeria at age 45 would turn out better than continuing to stay in a land that took my youth and sweat just to keep up appearances, pretending that all was well. All was…

HOW many times have you thought about calling it quits with your marriage, a thousand and one times? There is usually that season in marriage when a woman feels like everything and everybody is against her. It is that season when she doubts herself and how and why she married the man she married. The sight of her husband leaves her cold and unmoved or even burning with hatred when all along she had dreamt of happily ever after. She keeps wondering how and when love flew out of the window and coldness or indif-ference took residence. She adds all…

IT is very easy to find a woman to marry; what is not easy to find is money to cook soup. That is not a proverb acceptable in some places, definitely not in Kano. Imagine this: a thousand brides stand. They wait (im)patiently for their grooms to arrive. The men arrive salivating in hot boxers; their roving eyes unwrap their brides; some secretly wish all the babes should be theirs to own and hoe. Let us fast forward the programme. Brides and grooms are eventually seated. Clerics recite the lines, pronounce the celebrators men and wives and cap everything with…

THE first thing I noticed was her hair. She had gone almost completely gray.Her skirt suit hung on her, shapeless. She wore no make-up.She had no colour. But I recognised her all the same. Nike, my younger friend, once lovely, shapely and lively made her way into the airport lounge.I called her name, tentatively and she brightened momentarily and then we hugged and hugged. What’s happened to you? You are not ill？Please tell me you are fine.＂I asked as bad pictures of AIDS and cancer chased through my frightened mind. My friend smiled, I’m fine. girl. Don’t look so woe-be-gone…

IT all started with Kunle pretending to be thinking aloud. “I wish we can all go back to the Garden of Eden.” 1 was shocked. Though we call him Apostle but he is certainly not one of those Jesus Christ left to spread the gospel. And he hadn’t had any major drink that morning, at least nothing stronger than a can of energy drink. So, where did the ‘inspiration’ come trom? “Why would you of all people want to go back to the Garden of Eden, assuming it is possible to turn back the hands of the clock?” Kunle had…

TODAY I’m worried about men of God, wet matchboxes and the fire at the base of the mountains of pastors’ wives. I’m worried about pastors who leave their wives’ needs unattended in the name of doing God’s work. A pastor’s wife was caught pants down with her butt-naked brother-in-law defiling the clergy man’s marriage bed. The video trended for a while, last week. Did you see it? The woman said she was pushed into the act by hunger, sexual hunger. Her pastor husband was focused more on fasting and prayer than fulfilling his conjugal duties. The man of God neglected…

SO you rent a three-bedroom flat for your side chick and furnish it, it does not make you her lord and personal saviour. What will make her treat you like the king of the manor is the way you treat her. If you treat her like trash and she stomachs it, don’t be fooled into thinking that she has no choice. She does. She is just biding her time. Besides, every woman has a limit. Once the elastic of her endurance gets to the limit, she will snap and that part of her that you did not even know existed…

TINU, Tola and Rita have been friends for about 20 years. They all started small but God has been kind to them. Their marriages are still intact too. So, we can safely say that they are lucky or blessed. That is not to say they have not had seasons that looked like God was not on their side. Tinu lost two precious pregnancies. Rita lost one of two sons and Tola had to wait 10 years for a second child. As for their marriages, the storms came. Rita’s husband went male-child fishing and caught nothing. Tinu’s husband once kicked her…

IT is the fourth day of the year. it’s an opportunity to do something new, refocus your life and do things differently. This is the best time to look back, nod or shake your head, depending on what you see. Was 2024 a year you’ll like to do again what you did or is 2025 a year you are determined to change some things? This is the first Saturday of the year, you probably are not at work. Spend today to process where you were in 2024 and plot where you want 2025 to take you. Bose, I know you…

I KNOW abusive men like it when we tell their bartered wives things like these: “He will change, just keep on praying” “If prayer fails, start to praise God. He will notice your pain and come through for you” “With God, all things are possible” “God is able to do all things. Including changing your husband. You’ll see” “God is the owner of the hearts of kings. He will touch his heart and you never know, he could become a big pastor eventually.” “Marriage is all about patience. He’ll come around” “If you leave him, who will take care of…

IT happened somewhere in Kogi State, according to some randy reporters and amplified by randier commentators. The woman had been married for 18 years without a child. The man is a 300-level undergraduate. We can safely say he is 22 years old. Yeah, he is that young. Maybe that’s why he had the energy to do the damage that he did. You didn’t think what he did was a maximum damage, a 20-year-old knocking up a Vice Chancellor’s wife? Let’’s back up a little. According to my friend, Professor Abigail (surname withheld). There’s a lot going on in this story…

WHEN you see Carl and Mary, all you think of is perfect romance. Carl is tall and handsome, very supportive of Mary’s career and business. They had been dating for three years and were practically living together. They had found a way to sync their days and busy schedules. If they were not eating breakfast in Carl’s apartment, they were having takeout Chinese lunch at Mary’s office. They clubbed together, attended church together. Wedding bells was a matter of time, we all thought. And Carl did more in that direction when he took Mary home to his Uncle, the man…

LAST week’s piece, ‘The-next-of-kin’ generated a lot of interest. Why was Auntie Funke speaking for only women? Why don’t women make their husbands their next of kin?. Then a Professor of Philosophy called and for almost 30 minutes we discussed the matter. Here’s one of his conclusions that got me: A man whose marriage has been his prison all his life is not likely to make his wife his next of kin in his will. Who can blame him? If a man did not enjoy love, faithfulness and loyalty from his wife, how is he supposed to trust her in…

ROSE is one of the women who suddenly became a widow as a result of the November 1996 crash of an ADC aircraft that plunged into the Ejirin swamps on its way from Port Harcourt. She was in her late 20s then and had a three-year-old son in the kindergarten. Two years after the unfortunate accident that made her a widow, Rose found herself alone, with an almost uncertain future. Even though her husband died while returning from an official assignment, his employers could not hand over his entitlements to his widow because Rose was not the official “next of…

IT all started with an ambitious shopping list of a woman looking for a husband that my friend sent to me. The single and searching woman wanted a man who can cook, earns ten million naira monthly and is good in bed, of course. The lucky dude should be handsome, romantic and God-fearing. I responded to my friend that “It’s a legitimate list”. No, “it’s illegitimate”, he responded. How? He zeroed in on the “good in bed” part. He insisted that ‘good in bed’ is relative. I vehemently disagreed. If a man is not good in bed, he’s not good…

NOBODY understands. How could she do it? Why did she do it after all these years? An affair after 25 years of marriage and three grown-up children? What is she still looking for? What has God not blessed her with? Her husband is well- to-do, healthy and the children are doing well. But Madam B did it and it’s done. She’s 52 and is cheating on her husband. It’s hard to understand, I guess, but it happened and somewhere, as you read this, it is probably happening again. Older women stepping out on their spouses. There are researches to even…