Author: Funke Egbemode

WHETHER you are a runs-girl or a serious-ready-to-mingle-single looking to settle down, you need an extra pair of eyes to ‘see’ the man on your case. Pastors call it discerning spirit. It’s the ability to deeply and spiritually see beyond the fine face and six-packs the man toasting you presents. Women these days, need in-built sensors and alarm systems that will flash red, when the good looking, smooth-talking guy calling them ‘babe’ and opening car doors for them look like he’s serious. Babe, don’t fall yet. Stay steady on your feet and with clear eyes look inside yourself and his…

WHICH one of you started this new campaign of ‘women enslaving men’ again? I have been seeing the articles on different platforms about how women have a playbook on how they will make men become their slaves. And their text is taken from a book called The Manipulated Man written by Esther Vilar in 1971. Yes 1971. Originally written in German and later translated to English. Guys, are we still on this matter? Why are you like this, seriously? How are we enslaving you and why do you need a 53 year-old book as reference in the year of our…

A MAN with the he-goat spirit is a man who does not listen to your advice. It’s not that he does not respect you. It’s just that he respects that thing in-between his legs more. He is not deaf either, he just likes the sonorous voice of his third leg. It is sweet in his ears. And anyway, the vibes he gets from doing things with his partner-in-crime, his third leg, leaves him feeling like a king and conqueror. A very good feeling, I gather. The he-goat does not discriminate. He loves them old and young, fat and thin. He…

SOME wives are not worth the titles they carry. They are women , yes. Wives? No. The right moves , acts and depth are just not there. It is either they forgot everything their mothers and clerics taught them about being a wife or they simply came up with their own codes of conduct but whatever they did, now they are not happy. They are not enjoying their marriages. And they are blaming everybody and everything but themselves. You know any wife like that? We all do. Women who refuse to acknowledge that marriage has its own laws, refuse to…

IF there is a marital sin any wife is adjudged guilty even before she makes her case, it is the one where she passes off another man’s child as her husband’s. Nobody really cares why any woman should or would do it. She’s just guilty, should be sentenced and there should be no room for appeal. As much as I plead the case of women, even I won’t take that brief. I think it is taking biological advantage of a man, a husband who trusts you. I think it is also foolish to think wishing a problem away will actually…

HAVE you been wondering why things are not the way they used to be between you and your wife? Is she giving you cold shoulders instead of warmth? Hugging her pillows instead of you? Ah, you should worry. Do you have more one-word answers from her instead of full sensible sentences? She spends more time on the phone talking to people than you her husband. She spends more time on Netflix, African Magic and Zee World than she does with you. She sits with the children in their room while you also watch football or play video games in another…

LETTY was a good girl who became a good wife but the seasons changed and this once-upon-a-time choir leader, like Lot’s wife, looked back and right before the eyes of her Pastor and in the presence of her bewildered husband, is turning into a pillar of salt. The kind of salt no one wants to touch or taste. It was all the fault of this Japa syndrome. Letty and her husband, Brandon, had decided that Nigeria, the way it was going, was going to ruin their plans for the future. As it was, their future was becoming more and more…

MARRIAGE is becoming a risky business by the hour. Instead of enlarging the family, it is reducing it. When your son or daughter marries, you expect grandchildren as dividends. Now, your initial investment gets liquidated in a pool of blood, without recourse to you. One infuriated sick and weak girl just grabs a kitchen knife and carves up your son in a flash, ripping out your heart and dreams of being surrounded by happiness in your old age. One silly boy in a moment of uncontrollable blinding fury stabs your daughter in the throat, leaving you reeling in that kind…

EMEM woke up suddenly. She didn’t know what startled her out of sleep. She sat up and could hear movements. Was there a rat in the house? Then she listened again. It was water falling on a hard surface. But it was not raining. She pushed aside the window blind and saw the most traumatic, strange and confusing sight of her life. Her husband of 20 years, the father of her twins boys who were undergraduates, was there bathing naked, chanting something. Incarnations? Prayers? Well, the covered calabash he was scooping soap, black soap, from told the rest of the…

SHOW me a woman who does not believe in love and I will show you a liar. Every woman wants to be loved. We all long for that indescribable feeling that keeps our heads in the cloud. That feeling that makes you feel that you and your man are the only ones on the surface of the earth and when he touches you, you feel this tingling sensation running down your spine. His voice does things to your system, etcetera etcetera. It is a feeling that makes a woman see life through rose-tinted glasses. It is a delicious feeling. It…

WE called them the ‘happening couple’. Flex (real name was Felix) was a 500 level medicine student while Tunrayo was a 200 level Law student. Though the two of them were very busy ‘effico’, they spent every free moment together. They went to the bukateria together, walked hand-in-hand to the library and the cinema. They were a reference point especially when we girls wanted to ‘yab’ our NFA male classmates who were in the habit of giving excuses to their girlfriends as to why they couldn’t take them to see a movie at Oduduwa. We simply sneered at them. ‘If…

THE other room is the most important room in the home and in any woman’s life. Every woman knows that. So, don’t mind those who are pretending to be holier than the sacred sanctuary. It’s okay to have powers in and over the other rooms, but a woman who does not know how to wield the influence derivable and derived from the other room is indeed a powerless woman. Yes, the powers of the boardroom is plenty power. But what is the power of the boardroom without the power of the bedroom? At best, the power of the boardroom is…

SO there have been protests from certain quarters since last week’s piece titled ‘WHAT EXACTLY DO MEN WANT FROM US?’. How dare you make it look like men are difficult, insatiable, irritable and mean? How about what men want from women or at least those things you women really want instead of being sarcastic? I chuckled at that because men have been pretending that they don’t understand women since Adam willingly took the apple from Eve and voraciously devoured it. They will continue to pretend they are confused even if you give them one apple per minute. It’s their way…

WHY do men think big successful girls are single because all they want is money and independence instead of marriage and commitment? Why do they think being financially independent mean you want to live alone and die lonely? Well, the women also suspect that there is a hidden agenda somewhere. Yeah, can the men swear that they are not the ones annulling our rights and mandates while promising to ‘In Sha Allah ‘empower’ us. You can’t win against their armoury. It is so difficult to please or understand the way their minds work. But haven’t I warned that there is…

SHE has come a long way. She started small, very small in fact, but life has been kind to her. She has found favour with God and man. Today, the young awkward marketing executive is the Chief Operating Officer of a multi-million naira concern. She has men, her father’s age, calling her Madam and women, more beautiful than her, scrambling for her attention and approval. She is a force you can’t ignore in her industry. Though many women wish they were in her shoes but her life is not all the colours of the rainbow that we all see. She…

POLYGAMY is not another type of marriage. Polygamy is another level in the marriage pantheon. It is a special kind of marriage that involves more than one woman loving and laying claims to one man. Of course, no wife wants to hear of or have to contend with it, because no woman really wants to share the heart or any part of her man. But polygamy is real and I bet, at least one marriage is threatened by this harsh reality even as you read this. Do I support it? No, but what has my support or lack of it…

YOU are 33 and not doing badly. You are comfortable and beautiful but your love of easy money has blurred your childhood vision of a cozy happy home with children and a husband that loves you to bits. Your once vivid dream of falling in love and marrying early to raise four children while nurturing a career has since given way to the steady ready flow of cash and ‘baby of life’ lifestyle. You are now a chartered side chick, living on the side street of some other women’s lives. The man you love is not your own. The life…

BEFORE King Ahmed Ottoman went to war, he locked his beautiful wife, Queen Ottoman, in a private room and gave the key to his best friend, Mousa, telling him: if I’m not back in four days, open the room and she’s yours. Ottoman got on his horse and went to war. Half an hour later, the king noticed a cloud of dust behind him. It was his friend, galloping fast towards him. “What’s wrong?” The king asked panting, out of breath, Mousa responded “You gave me the wrong key.” Mousa, Mousa, Mousa, how many times did I call you? I…

HUSBAND can and do defect because defection is a two-way street. If wives can defect, so can husbands. If a woman doesn’t get too old for touching and pampering, a man is also entitled to warmth, kiss and cuddle. A bull is always a bull. His charging power may reduce but charge he must. He doesn’t even want to be told or reminded that he’s not charging hard like of old. He may not be as fast and furious as he was 30 years ago but it is still dangerous to leave a bull unattended. Unfortunately, many busy sisters not…

HE knows it is not true. He doesn’t even believe it himself but he’d do his damned best to convince you it is true, with words, body language and treats (if he has money). He’d try to prove that he’s the best, that with him, you cannot go wrong. He would even dress suggestively to show you some concrete evidence. It’s all about bragging about his sexual prowess and he doesn’t stint on apparatus. A man who is boasting about how good he is in bed (or any other venue) most times is a non-performer or one low on energy.…