Author: Funke Egbemode

ARE you one of these husbands who punish their wives by depriving them of money? Yes, you are mean but most importantly you are a short-sighted fool. I’m too harsh and hard? Well, this message is not going to be a soft one and I won’t deliver it gently. I want it to sink hard, fast and furious. That’s why I’m not going to pull my punches. When your wife offends you and because you are the breadwinner, you decide to turn off the plugs on all financial support in the home, you are going to teach her how to…

IT’S been going on for years, maybe three, maybe more or less. Everybody expects the journey to culminate at the usual final bus stop. And true to peoples’ expectations it looks like the normal thing will definitely happen. The invitation cards are out, the wedding trousseau complete. She has made trips and trips to the fashion designers for fittings and more fittings. The cows have been paid for and a five-tiered cake ordered. His people have chosen their own ‘aso-ebi’ and so have the bride-to-be’s friends and family. The reception take-away plates are ready and all members of the bridal…

SHE has lost two children. One via miscarriage, the other through still-birth. They just couldn’t afford basic medical-care. So, when she gave birth to her son, she was not just over the moon, she vowed to protect him with her life. She told herself she would breastfeed him for 18months and work as hard as she could to give him a great life. However, fate had other plans. Tola’s breasts, as full as they were couldn’t produce enough milk to feed her son. She ate, drank everything that was prescribed to help her lactate generously, but her milk just dripped…

A PLAYBOY can play the field forever or till his penis drops off, or whichever one comes first. A play-girl? No she must retire quickly, indeed, before everyone notices what she does for a living. A playgirl, a runs-girl, a courtesan or a high class call girl must know when to stop. Only dumb girls play the field endlessly. Is any playgirl reading this? Or is someone reading this who knows a playgirl? Pull her ears and tell her to pull back. A girl is expecting to be cool and good. This society, indeed, the African society does not take…

NOT having sex before marriage ought to be good. Restraining yourself from all that tantalizing stuff is tough alright, but that is what the Bible says and we all (believers) know that God is always right. Uncle, no touching; aunty, no sneaking. Keep the marriage bed undefiled. All solid contents must be kept in the bra, in the boxers. You can look, even imagine (though that is a sin too) what is in there but you can’t weed or cultivate the land. You can salivate but you must not sip or suck before you say ‘I do’ and have been…

ONE of the things I find most wondrous about God is the way He distributes children. Oh yes, I’m a Christian and I strongly believe that God is the ‘giver’ of children. I do not believe that even IVF can work without God’s say-so. Ask the gynecologists, they will tell you. Even they cannot explain why some couples have to try IVF five times while others are successful at the first attempt. Let’s even assume that you are a scientist and you have answers to the IVF question, can you explain why a woman living in the slum can naturally…

I MET a woman, a mother-in-law in Jordan. I mean at the River Jordan while I was on pilgrimage to Jerusalem many years ago. We were on the same bus and the same prayer group. It was an intensive 10-day of praying, fasting, except only when we were eating or sleeping. But this lady struck me in a different way. We got talking and she told me her main prayer points. As we stood in River Jordan was for her daughter in law. The poor girl, she told me she had a difficult pregnancy that saw her in and out…

TO many, marriage is about love and passion. To others, it is an investment and to someone like me, it is all of that and also black market. You can love all you want and not be able to keep the glow. You can be as passionate as you can and still not be able to keep the fire burning or your spouse in your bed and within your vows. As an investor, we all know you can’t get it right all the time. Some investments are just not destined to last long or become blue chip. Many just fizzle…

A YOUNGER friend of mine gave me a ride the other day and I learnt a lot from the experience. Trust Lagos traffic jam to show up like an unwanted pregnancy all the time. We had only had about seven minutes smooth drive when we found ourselves at a minor accident scene. A young lady and a man were having a shouting match right in the middle of the road. The man had ‘brushed’ her car while impatiently trying to move from one lane to the other. Lagos drivers, by some logic, have all concluded that not all lanes will…

THIS piece was inspired by a story told by the old man of an honourable member while I served briefly at the National Assembly. His choices of words were really what got me thinking. I must confess I was eavesdropping but, trust me, I got the intimate lessons in the intimate gist. According to Honourable Gbenga (I am not saying more than that), a man, whatever the age, is like a petrol attendant holding a nozzle. He dispenses fuel to all and any car that comes to his pump. He is there, ever ready, like Eveready battery. His tank is…

WHETHER you are a runs-girl or a serious-ready-to-mingle-single looking to settle down, you need an extra pair of eyes to ‘see’ the man on your case. Pastors call it discerning spirit. It’s the ability to deeply and spiritually see beyond the fine face and six-packs the man toasting you presents. Women these days, need in-built sensors and alarm systems that will flash red, when the good looking, smooth-talking guy calling them ‘babe’ and opening car doors for them look like he’s serious. Babe, don’t fall yet. Stay steady on your feet and with clear eyes look inside yourself and his…

WHICH one of you started this new campaign of ‘women enslaving men’ again? I have been seeing the articles on different platforms about how women have a playbook on how they will make men become their slaves. And their text is taken from a book called The Manipulated Man written by Esther Vilar in 1971. Yes 1971. Originally written in German and later translated to English. Guys, are we still on this matter? Why are you like this, seriously? How are we enslaving you and why do you need a 53 year-old book as reference in the year of our…

A MAN with the he-goat spirit is a man who does not listen to your advice. It’s not that he does not respect you. It’s just that he respects that thing in-between his legs more. He is not deaf either, he just likes the sonorous voice of his third leg. It is sweet in his ears. And anyway, the vibes he gets from doing things with his partner-in-crime, his third leg, leaves him feeling like a king and conqueror. A very good feeling, I gather. The he-goat does not discriminate. He loves them old and young, fat and thin. He…

SOME wives are not worth the titles they carry. They are women , yes. Wives? No. The right moves , acts and depth are just not there. It is either they forgot everything their mothers and clerics taught them about being a wife or they simply came up with their own codes of conduct but whatever they did, now they are not happy. They are not enjoying their marriages. And they are blaming everybody and everything but themselves. You know any wife like that? We all do. Women who refuse to acknowledge that marriage has its own laws, refuse to…

IF there is a marital sin any wife is adjudged guilty even before she makes her case, it is the one where she passes off another man’s child as her husband’s. Nobody really cares why any woman should or would do it. She’s just guilty, should be sentenced and there should be no room for appeal. As much as I plead the case of women, even I won’t take that brief. I think it is taking biological advantage of a man, a husband who trusts you. I think it is also foolish to think wishing a problem away will actually…

HAVE you been wondering why things are not the way they used to be between you and your wife? Is she giving you cold shoulders instead of warmth? Hugging her pillows instead of you? Ah, you should worry. Do you have more one-word answers from her instead of full sensible sentences? She spends more time on the phone talking to people than you her husband. She spends more time on Netflix, African Magic and Zee World than she does with you. She sits with the children in their room while you also watch football or play video games in another…

LETTY was a good girl who became a good wife but the seasons changed and this once-upon-a-time choir leader, like Lot’s wife, looked back and right before the eyes of her Pastor and in the presence of her bewildered husband, is turning into a pillar of salt. The kind of salt no one wants to touch or taste. It was all the fault of this Japa syndrome. Letty and her husband, Brandon, had decided that Nigeria, the way it was going, was going to ruin their plans for the future. As it was, their future was becoming more and more…

MARRIAGE is becoming a risky business by the hour. Instead of enlarging the family, it is reducing it. When your son or daughter marries, you expect grandchildren as dividends. Now, your initial investment gets liquidated in a pool of blood, without recourse to you. One infuriated sick and weak girl just grabs a kitchen knife and carves up your son in a flash, ripping out your heart and dreams of being surrounded by happiness in your old age. One silly boy in a moment of uncontrollable blinding fury stabs your daughter in the throat, leaving you reeling in that kind…

EMEM woke up suddenly. She didn’t know what startled her out of sleep. She sat up and could hear movements. Was there a rat in the house? Then she listened again. It was water falling on a hard surface. But it was not raining. She pushed aside the window blind and saw the most traumatic, strange and confusing sight of her life. Her husband of 20 years, the father of her twins boys who were undergraduates, was there bathing naked, chanting something. Incarnations? Prayers? Well, the covered calabash he was scooping soap, black soap, from told the rest of the…

SHOW me a woman who does not believe in love and I will show you a liar. Every woman wants to be loved. We all long for that indescribable feeling that keeps our heads in the cloud. That feeling that makes you feel that you and your man are the only ones on the surface of the earth and when he touches you, you feel this tingling sensation running down your spine. His voice does things to your system, etcetera etcetera. It is a feeling that makes a woman see life through rose-tinted glasses. It is a delicious feeling. It…