Author: Funke Egbemode

I KNOW abusive men like it when we tell their bartered wives things like these: “He will change, just keep on praying” “If prayer fails, start to praise God. He will notice your pain and come through for you” “With God, all things are possible” “God is able to do all things. Including changing your husband. You’ll see” “God is the owner of the hearts of kings. He will touch his heart and you never know, he could become a big pastor eventually.” “Marriage is all about patience. He’ll come around” “If you leave him, who will take care of…

IT happened somewhere in Kogi State, according to some randy reporters and amplified by randier commentators. The woman had been married for 18 years without a child. The man is a 300-level undergraduate. We can safely say he is 22 years old. Yeah, he is that young. Maybe that’s why he had the energy to do the damage that he did. You didn’t think what he did was a maximum damage, a 20-year-old knocking up a Vice Chancellor’s wife? Let’’s back up a little. According to my friend, Professor Abigail (surname withheld). There’s a lot going on in this story…

WHEN you see Carl and Mary, all you think of is perfect romance. Carl is tall and handsome, very supportive of Mary’s career and business. They had been dating for three years and were practically living together. They had found a way to sync their days and busy schedules. If they were not eating breakfast in Carl’s apartment, they were having takeout Chinese lunch at Mary’s office. They clubbed together, attended church together. Wedding bells was a matter of time, we all thought. And Carl did more in that direction when he took Mary home to his Uncle, the man…

LAST week’s piece, ‘The-next-of-kin’ generated a lot of interest. Why was Auntie Funke speaking for only women? Why don’t women make their husbands their next of kin?. Then a Professor of Philosophy called and for almost 30 minutes we discussed the matter. Here’s one of his conclusions that got me: A man whose marriage has been his prison all his life is not likely to make his wife his next of kin in his will. Who can blame him? If a man did not enjoy love, faithfulness and loyalty from his wife, how is he supposed to trust her in…

ROSE is one of the women who suddenly became a widow as a result of the November 1996 crash of an ADC aircraft that plunged into the Ejirin swamps on its way from Port Harcourt. She was in her late 20s then and had a three-year-old son in the kindergarten. Two years after the unfortunate accident that made her a widow, Rose found herself alone, with an almost uncertain future. Even though her husband died while returning from an official assignment, his employers could not hand over his entitlements to his widow because Rose was not the official “next of…

IT all started with an ambitious shopping list of a woman looking for a husband that my friend sent to me. The single and searching woman wanted a man who can cook, earns ten million naira monthly and is good in bed, of course. The lucky dude should be handsome, romantic and God-fearing. I responded to my friend that “It’s a legitimate list”. No, “it’s illegitimate”, he responded. How? He zeroed in on the “good in bed” part. He insisted that ‘good in bed’ is relative. I vehemently disagreed. If a man is not good in bed, he’s not good…

NOBODY understands. How could she do it? Why did she do it after all these years? An affair after 25 years of marriage and three grown-up children? What is she still looking for? What has God not blessed her with? Her husband is well- to-do, healthy and the children are doing well. But Madam B did it and it’s done. She’s 52 and is cheating on her husband. It’s hard to understand, I guess, but it happened and somewhere, as you read this, it is probably happening again. Older women stepping out on their spouses. There are researches to even…

THE Yoruba have this saying: Oke oku l’oku nre Baba omo l’o l’omo Loose translation: A child will always look for his father because the father owns the child. Did you nod or sigh? If you are a Yoruba man, you will nod but if you are not a modern man, you will sigh. A mother, old or young will sigh for different reasons. As a Yoruba mother, I am sighing and shaking my head. Yes, you can do both, because that old saying is old and is fast loosing its grip on today’s reality. Both the mother and the…

DAISY was born beautiful.Her mother received her with misty eyes.Her father felt so proud. After three boys, Manny was beginning to doubt his ability to make a female baby. And I now along came Daisy fromhis loins. He’s a complete man, after all. Right? There was so much to eat and drink at the naming ceremony of Daisy. She got a name from every member of the family. Quite a list but the one other name that stuck was the one her paternal grandmother gave her, Gift.Mama had five sons herself. No daughters.She had had to make do with her…

SOMETIMES, a woman is just a glorified call girl, “olosho” , but she tells herself she’s in a relationship. She calls a man her boyfriend while he sees her as just a booty call. She believes she has a man in her life while the man sees her as just one of the girls in his life. She invests her time and body in the ‘relationship’ while the man treats her a little bit better than a prostitute. She’s the one that is all over him just like chocolate melts all over ice cream. The guy, on the other hand,…

MONOGAMY is a tough call. One-man-one-woman can only be the title of a book, it can’t be law or most men will end up in jail. Fine, women cheat too but for today, let’s just concentrate on the men. Men are used to hunting. They see a woman endowed with a beauty-queen waist that tapers into South-African hips and dive right into it. It’s what they do. And it is what we know. But when a man gets propositioned, when he is hunted or toasted, he starts singing in tongues. He can resist hunting, even if it is for a…

IT is God who gives babies. It is the God-assigned duties of parents to nurse and nurture those babies into adulthood. It is a long journey, onerous task to grow babies into adults. Every parent, every aunt and uncle knows that that long journey is bumpy, painful and lonely. Many times we stumble. Many times we get it right. Occasionally parents fail, sometimes woefully. Sometimes because they did not do the right thing at the right time or failed altogether to do anything. Sometimes, circumstances just work against both parents and children and things go totally belly up and everybody…

SINCE last week, when I called the attention of men to the little-men-little-third-leg matter, I have heard things, many things. Apparently, many men didn’t know. that keeping malice with their wives really is less than manly. That’s why they have been shaking the table. How dare Funke accuse them of malice? Quick answer, it is maliciously evil to turn off the money tap of the family because you are quarreling with your wife. Again, I was asked where I procured the audacity to call out men’s third leg, whether big or small and or ineffective. Bros, I was first being…

ARE you one of these husbands who punish their wives by depriving them of money? Yes, you are mean but most importantly you are a short-sighted fool. I’m too harsh and hard? Well, this message is not going to be a soft one and I won’t deliver it gently. I want it to sink hard, fast and furious. That’s why I’m not going to pull my punches. When your wife offends you and because you are the breadwinner, you decide to turn off the plugs on all financial support in the home, you are going to teach her how to…

IT’S been going on for years, maybe three, maybe more or less. Everybody expects the journey to culminate at the usual final bus stop. And true to peoples’ expectations it looks like the normal thing will definitely happen. The invitation cards are out, the wedding trousseau complete. She has made trips and trips to the fashion designers for fittings and more fittings. The cows have been paid for and a five-tiered cake ordered. His people have chosen their own ‘aso-ebi’ and so have the bride-to-be’s friends and family. The reception take-away plates are ready and all members of the bridal…

SHE has lost two children. One via miscarriage, the other through still-birth. They just couldn’t afford basic medical-care. So, when she gave birth to her son, she was not just over the moon, she vowed to protect him with her life. She told herself she would breastfeed him for 18months and work as hard as she could to give him a great life. However, fate had other plans. Tola’s breasts, as full as they were couldn’t produce enough milk to feed her son. She ate, drank everything that was prescribed to help her lactate generously, but her milk just dripped…

A PLAYBOY can play the field forever or till his penis drops off, or whichever one comes first. A play-girl? No she must retire quickly, indeed, before everyone notices what she does for a living. A playgirl, a runs-girl, a courtesan or a high class call girl must know when to stop. Only dumb girls play the field endlessly. Is any playgirl reading this? Or is someone reading this who knows a playgirl? Pull her ears and tell her to pull back. A girl is expecting to be cool and good. This society, indeed, the African society does not take…

NOT having sex before marriage ought to be good. Restraining yourself from all that tantalizing stuff is tough alright, but that is what the Bible says and we all (believers) know that God is always right. Uncle, no touching; aunty, no sneaking. Keep the marriage bed undefiled. All solid contents must be kept in the bra, in the boxers. You can look, even imagine (though that is a sin too) what is in there but you can’t weed or cultivate the land. You can salivate but you must not sip or suck before you say ‘I do’ and have been…

ONE of the things I find most wondrous about God is the way He distributes children. Oh yes, I’m a Christian and I strongly believe that God is the ‘giver’ of children. I do not believe that even IVF can work without God’s say-so. Ask the gynecologists, they will tell you. Even they cannot explain why some couples have to try IVF five times while others are successful at the first attempt. Let’s even assume that you are a scientist and you have answers to the IVF question, can you explain why a woman living in the slum can naturally…

I MET a woman, a mother-in-law in Jordan. I mean at the River Jordan while I was on pilgrimage to Jerusalem many years ago. We were on the same bus and the same prayer group. It was an intensive 10-day of praying, fasting, except only when we were eating or sleeping. But this lady struck me in a different way. We got talking and she told me her main prayer points. As we stood in River Jordan was for her daughter in law. The poor girl, she told me she had a difficult pregnancy that saw her in and out…