Author: Funke Egbemode

BEFORE King Ahmed Ottoman went to war, he locked his beautiful wife, Queen Ottoman, in a private room and gave the key to his best friend, Mousa, telling him: if I’m not back in four days, open the room and she’s yours. Ottoman got on his horse and went to war. Half an hour later, the king noticed a cloud of dust behind him. It was his friend, galloping fast towards him. “What’s wrong?” The king asked panting, out of breath, Mousa responded “You gave me the wrong key.” Mousa, Mousa, Mousa, how many times did I call you? I…

HUSBAND can and do defect because defection is a two-way street. If wives can defect, so can husbands. If a woman doesn’t get too old for touching and pampering, a man is also entitled to warmth, kiss and cuddle. A bull is always a bull. His charging power may reduce but charge he must. He doesn’t even want to be told or reminded that he’s not charging hard like of old. He may not be as fast and furious as he was 30 years ago but it is still dangerous to leave a bull unattended. Unfortunately, many busy sisters not…

HE knows it is not true. He doesn’t even believe it himself but he’d do his damned best to convince you it is true, with words, body language and treats (if he has money). He’d try to prove that he’s the best, that with him, you cannot go wrong. He would even dress suggestively to show you some concrete evidence. It’s all about bragging about his sexual prowess and he doesn’t stint on apparatus. A man who is boasting about how good he is in bed (or any other venue) most times is a non-performer or one low on energy.…

YOU know our forebears have traditional antidotes for infidelity? Yes, they did. They had things they said, did and believed would protect the marriage institution and those things worked. It does not matter what you think of their antidotes. The fact is, today, whatever we are doing is neither working for marriages nor stopping infidelity in its rampaging tracks. Everything and everyone is straying. Nothing is what it used to be. So it doesn’t matter whether you sneer and say ‘jazz’ or ‘juju’ is not your thing, your ‘fuji’ is not working. Today’s marriage is dancing to a tune only…

IT is not every marriage that is founded on love, not every married person who married for love. Don’t tell me you don’t know a few people who took their vows based on what they could see rather than what they felt. They stood, all dressed up in front of their Pastor, Bishop or Reverend Father and repeated the right lines rightly after the clergy, in front of men, not because they were ecstatically deliriously in love but because they had chosen who they chose at that particular point in time for a set of particular reasons. It was a…

THIS DNA problem is steadily becoming a problematic epidemic, isn’t it? It is querying the integrity of our men’s manhood and stripping our women of their belts of chastity. Even good wives are being subjected to bombastic side eye when their husbands think they are not looking. Hitherto regarded great wives are now being looked at suspiciously with daddies checking out the noses, nails and hairlines of their sons and skin tones of their daughters to see if they match those of their living and dead ancestors. Home-made DIY (do-it-yourself) DNA all over the place. Husbands who have been itching…

FORMER Super Eagles captain, John Mikel Obi, on Thursday, revealed how members of his family tried to blackmail him if he failed to send them money. Mikel, who was an integral part of the 2011–12 UEFA Champions League winning side with Chelsea, made this expose on a podcast with ‘Vibe With 5’. “Because anything I was getting, I was giving so much to the family. They got so comfortable that they were expecting you to do that and I got to that point 5 years ago where I had to say guys I don’t care what you say.” “If you…

Ola: Men are foolish, very foolish. Lola: Ah ah, what’s biting you? How can you just wake up and make such a blasphemous declaration? Ola: How did blasphemy come into this matter? You don’t even know what I’m talking about. Lola: I’m itching to find out, trust me. You, a man declaring that men, all men are fools. I’m a woman and I will not even say such a thing. You can call men overgrown babies. They love breasts and are never weaned from them. They love to be petted and pampered but they are no fools. No, I totally…

NSE has become a comic character in her husband’s office. Once she drives in through the gates, the staff, especially the girls, start making faces, calling one another’s attention to the arrival of ‘Madam Godzilla.’ ‘Mama is in the building, make some noise…’ ‘Who is the current champion? ‘Or current prime suspect. ‘Oga, needs protection.’ ‘What Oga needs is sense. He needs to find his wife a serious job. ‘Or get her pregnant every year.’ Of course, the mocking is done in hushed tones but is it their fault? No. It is Nse whose insecurity has laid bare for office…

TUNJI, T.J for short, had always seen a bright future for himself in Nigeria. Not even SAPA could make him JAPA. He knew where he wanted to go and had a map even Google would be proud of, of how he’d get to his destination. So, while all his friends and peers were testing the waters of cybercrime and considering yahoo-plus and its gory gruesome details, T.J had his eyes peeled for how he’d move from his ‘near Lagos’ Boys Quarters’ apartment to Ikoyi, Lagos. Yes, you heard that right; from extreme poverty to the five-star neighbourhood. How? He was…