HOW could she not have seen this coming?
Why did she not speak up?
Why didn’t she leave, seek help?
Each time a wife is killed by her husband and the media is awash with sordid details of another marriage becoming a crime scene, we ask the same weary questions. Didn’t she see the signs? Why didn’t anyone stop him? A million comments and police confirming the story later and we all move on. Until the next woman dies and the questions return, louder, heavier, more accusing.
Let us stop dodging the truth: men who kill their wives rarely become killers overnight. There is a gestation period. The journey from slapping to punching, breaking bones and drawing blood takes time because violence has a long apprenticeship. It hides behind polite smiles , sneaks in under the cover of love.
While this is not about sermonizing or shaming women who stayed or are staying in violent relationships, we must not run away from the sad reality of wives who think it is their duty to reform their violent partners. The signs are always there.
It usually starts with control wearing the perfume of care.
“He doesn’t like me wearing short skirts because he respects me.”
“He just worries too much.”
“He’s jealous because he loves me.”
A boyfriend wants to manage your life your friends, your clothes, your movements, your phone is a suspect. He asks where you are, then asks again, then asks why you took so long to reply. He does not trust you. He is like a monitoring spirit and a man who truly loves and respects his woman does not act like a solar surveillance camera.
When a man insists on knowing your passwords, tracking your calls, approving your friendships, trust me, he is not trying to protect you; he is trying to own you.
Everybody gets angry. But not everybody weaponises anger.
If your man does not argue but just erupts, an untimely grave may not be far away. He slams doors, throws objects, punches walls. He shouts until your ears ring and your heart shrinks. He apologises later beautifully, convincingly swearing it will never happen again and makes love to you, sweet and slow. And you believe him, because you want peace, peace of the graveyard. Well, anger that intimidates is death doing press-ups. Today it is the wall; tomorrow it may be your face.
If a man frightens you when he is angry, listen to that fear. It is not weakness. It is wisdom trying to save you. A terrorist is a terrorist, at home or in Sambisa forest.
He mocks you in public and calls it humour.
He corrects you sharply in front of others.
He reminds you oftenthat without him, you are nothing. He talks down on you, makes you feel less and less human by the day, it is still violence that will kill you slowly, steadily, from inside. Humiliation Is violence in civilian clothes.
A husband who enjoys shrinking, belittling you is a grave digger. If he uses words like fists, beats you emotionally until your confidence bleeds, get help or get out or both. Do not dismiss it if you protest, and he sneers,
“You’re too sensitive,” or worse, “You should be grateful I’m honest.”
Love does not embarrass. Love does not belittle. Love does not need to reduce you to feel tall.
If a man repeatedly strips you of dignity, believe him: he is telling you who he is, a man who thinks he’s all that matters.
Do not mistake his possessiveness for love or passion. “He can’t stand other men looking at me.”
“He gets angry when I succeed.”
“He feels threatened by my independence.”
Possessiveness is often celebrated as passion, especially in a society that mistakes dominance for masculinity. A man who sees you as territory will defend that territory violently when he feels challenged.
Watch how he reacts to your success. A violent husband is one who does not celebrate your wins; he competes with them. Your light offends him. Your voice irritates him. Your growth feels like rebellion. He wants to keep you down. He will beat you everyday if that is what he thinks will get the job done.
When a man cannot tolerate your autonomy whileyou were dating, marriage will not cure it. Pregnancy will not soften it. Submission will not satisfy it.
If he has slapped you once or twice before, he will do it again.
Past violence Is a loud warning
If he has hit previous partners, broken restraining orders, fought excessively, or boasts about “dealing with” people who crossed him, do not spiritualise it. “He won’t do it to me in Jesus’s name.” Do not lie to yourself. Do not rationalise it. Do not imagine yourself as the exception.
Violence has patterns. It repeats itself until it is stopped.
I have written about this before, for bad men, isolation is a strategy they carefully deploy to disconnect their partners from their support system. He quarrels with your friends. He criticises your family. He creates drama around people who love you, until you are tired and alone.
When he isolates you it is easier for him to control you. When a man insists on being your only world, know that he is building a cage, not a home.
Do not take his threats lightly.
“I’ll kill you if you ever leave me.”
“I’ll ruin you.”
“If I can’t have you, nobody will.”
Some women hear these words and laugh nervously, dismissing them as empty talk. But threats come from deep within.
Take them seriously. Every time.
So why do women stay in abusive relationships? Why do they stay with men who beat them?
Women stay because they hope. Because they are afraid. Because they are financially trapped. Because society trains them to endure. What will peple say? Because religion sometimes teaches silence over safety. Divorce is not biblical. My father is a respected Cleric. And the some because the man they love is not always violent and hope clings stubbornly to the scarce good days.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not cowardice; it actually takes a lot of courage to walk away and start afresh. Not all abused women are that gifted. The family of a woman being beaten into a stupor regularly also have a role. If you have a sibling, friend, relative living with a violent husband, stop telling her to pray harder.
Stop advising patience as if it were a shield.
Stop encouraging her to negotiate with a dangerous man.
When a woman confides in you about abuse, believe her. Support her. Help her plan safely. Violence thrives in silence and disbelief.
To any woman in an abusive relationship reading, love should not make you smaller. It should add to you in every positive way.
Marriage should not feel like a prison or a hostage situation.
Fear and pain are not marital virtues.
If you are only able to breathe when he’s away, your spirit already knows the truth your heart is avoiding. If you are always afraid of voicing your opinion in your own home, maybe you’re not home yet.
Don’t let him kill you and then start to rationalise it.
And who profits, really, if a man kills his wife, then commits suicide? Who?
- Egbemode, is former President, Nigeria Guild Of Editors, former Commissioner for Information, Osun State, her syndicated column, Intimate Affairs, appears on News Point Nigeria newspaper on Sunday. She can be reached on egbemode3@gmail.com.