“WHEN I confided in my pastor that my husband and I were finally ready to try IVF, he shook his head so vigorously I thought he was going to have a fit.
“Your faith is gone. Sister, have you concluded that God needs help, that he cannot give you a child? Have you not heard testimonies of women who had babies in their 50s, even in their 60s? Have you forgotten the story of Sarah? Why do you want to help God?”
Sister Joke was lost, short of words, shaken, could not understand where her pastor was coming from, where all his objections were pouring from. She told her pastor about the IVF option not because she needed counsel on the subject. Her mind was made up. She just needed prayers and encouragement. She was not expecting her Pastor’s objection or disapproval. The man has a MSc in Biochemistry for God’s sake!
So, why do some men of God think assisted fertility in any form is evidence of faithlessness? Some don’t even want to hear of adoption, least of all surrogacy. Yours sincerely has ruminated over this for years and I have not found any answer. What exactly is it about IVF that is anti-God or anti-faith or unchristian? In my own little analysis of conception, the science or faith of it does not and cannot exclude God.
I am Christian enough to know that the most extreme science or smartest scientists have not been able to totally exclude the hand of God in what happens between when ferterlized egg is implanted in a woman and when she takes the first pregnancy test. Even when all the protocols and precautions have been followed meticulously, many, very many pregnancy tests still turn out negative. The disappointment, pain and despair that follow that all important test can best be described by couples who have experienced it. Imagine a woman who had had to endure seeing her period every month, resolving to invest (hope and money) in IVF, only to see the period again?
What women, couples endure while in the Lord’s waiting room have been subjects of many books, seminars, sermons, movies and researches. But here’s another angle, is God against IVF? Or is it just that some pastors feel ‘insulted’ by their people’s decision to try something else apart the prayers and fasting they preach?
I have reliably leant that both Muslim and Christian clerics are guilty of this ‘offence’. Isn’t it time they changed their stance and reviewed their world views on the subject of assisted fertility?
Meanwhile, while we are researching the holy books and praying for a change of heart for our faith leaders, let us address the primary stakeholders of the matter at hand, the waiting fathers, mothers and couples. Everybody prays to dash through the process of conception, long lip-smack enjoyable sex and a positive pregnancy test a few short weeks later. No stress, No waiting, no loitering, no suspense, just delicious love- making and a set of twins.
But more and more couples are these days, waiting so long for conception to occur, that sex eventually loses its taste and flavour. More marriages are breaking down because the babies ‘refuse’ to show up. More women are doing the unthinkable out of desperation to have children. Good men, otherwise faithful and committed husbands are straying, trying more than one forbidden fruit to become Daddies.
Who can judge a desperate Mother-in-waiting? Nobody should preach holy homilies to a man who is holding in zillions of sperms that can run but never reach their destination or when they do fertilize eggs that are not viable (doctor have many terms for that single word). Babies are just slower in arriving these days. I’m sure God knew these days would come, believe me or explain why science could not figure out surrogacy, IVF and all these new help centers 100 years ago but they are all readily available today, even in places like Nigeria where we don’t know what to do with readily available anything.
And who gave the doctors the sense and zeal to take Ade’s sperm and Joke’s egg (without them having sex), make a baby in the laboratory and then transfer it back into Joke to carry to term. This minute, this very minute, it just occurred to me that the first IVF that happened was done really by God himself more than 2000 years ago. Mary, Virgin Mary, that is, had no sexual intercourse but got pregnant with Jesus Christ, right. God from his abode, in a laboratory, that is above all other laboratories ‘made a baby’ and implanted it in Mary. It was a miracle supervised by God, guided and guarded to term by God himself.
So, darling sister, God is in the boat of your life. A woman’s body is hers to protect from all kinds of violation from predators including men who blackmail her to have an abortion. It is also her decision to become a mother using the science alternatives. Just get your man on board and agree on a solution. Follow God’s example and pray to him to guide the doctor’s hands.
Those who tell a woman that IVF means doubting God’s faithfulness are never there when she cries until she cannot even make a sound or even produce a tear. Girl, do+ not wait until your eggs are old and dry before you make the first attempt. An IVF baby does not, will never stop God from giving you easily and naturally conceived babies. Jesus Christ had siblings that came from Joseph’s loins, Mary’s eggs. God is kind and unfathomable. A friend waited 25 years to get a first set of twins and then conceived naturally nine months later. While still breastfeeding the twins, she did not even know she was pregnant until she collapsed one morning while brushing her teeth. Her naughty husband scored a goal they tried all styles trying for 25 years! Go on. Do it. The best time to start is now.
Your sister’s or brother’s children are not yours. You are only claiming them by faith. It is safer for your mental health to deploy that faith you have in traditional adoption to assisted fertility. It may have worked in a few instances but the rate of failure is too high, too risky. By the time most women who adopted theirnieces or nephews realize it, it usually too late to to undo the damage. The pain that follows such ‘losses’ are usually too deep and devastating that I say ‘why bother’. Ask Sisi Dupe the Yoruba star actress whose story broke a few weeks ago. Only she knows the pain. The lost years, the betrayal can lead to stroke or even sudden death. A woman who had been known and addressed as Mama Tunde wakes up one day to the sad reality hat the real Mama Tunde had just been humoring her all along.
Of course, assisted fertility procedures are expensive but you can save towards it. You can make a plan just like you make a plan for your annual rent, your wedding ceremony, a car and building or buying a house.
It’s a matter of focus, determination. Just kill the procrastination, stop complaining to everybody and just start. Make the first call.. Today.
- Egbemode, is former President, Nigeria Guild Of Editors, former Commissioner for Information, Osun State, her syndicated column, Intimate Affairs, appears on News Point Nigeria newspaper on Sundays. She can be reached on egbemode3@gmail.com.