SHE has lost two children. One via miscarriage, the other through still-birth. They just couldn’t afford basic medical-care. So, when she gave birth to her son, she was not just over the moon, she vowed to protect him with her life. She told herself she would breastfeed him for 18months and work as hard as she could to give him a great life.
However, fate had other plans. Tola’s breasts, as full as they were couldn’t produce enough milk to feed her son. She ate, drank everything that was prescribed to help her lactate generously, but her milk just dripped in drops, frustratingly. She squeezed and pressed. Then, as if the breast too got tired of the squeezing and pressing, they stopped producing even the drips in drops altogether.
Tola told her husband, Moses, that it was time to start their son on baby formula. The young father could not afford it. The new mother was already carrying most of the responsibilities in the home. Indeed, she had just paid the rent. Her husband, a graduate of Economics had not been able to find a job ‘commensurate’ with his qualification, and he wasn’t ready to settle for less than his second class, upper degree required. He didn’t want to be a school teacher or work anywhere that is not a financial institution.
Tola had preached and begged, prayed and cried but Moses knew what he wanted. Their infant son like his father also knew what he wanted. So he cried like his mother day and night. The poor boy didn’t understand his mother’s empty breasts or his father’s empty pockets.
One day, out of desperation, the couple added adult milk in warm water and put it in a bottle for their hungry three-month-old. The boy sucked on the bottle like his life depended on it. He stopped crying, he slept all night. But something worse was looming. Two days later, Tola noticed her son was restless. His tummy was hard, distended. They ended up in the hospital. Of course, the infant had no digestive system to process ‘Peak Milk’, and he almost died.
Tola almost lost her mind as she helplessly watched her helpless son fighting for his little life. Moses just wrung his hands and prayed for a miracle. Again, the lot fell on Tola to find the money to save their child. An old flame and ‘toaster’ who she had thus far resisted came to their rescue.
Long story short, the baby was discharged with strict instructions for his diet and meal plan. Moses and Tola quarreled constantly and Tola put the welfare of her son first. The ‘toaster’ continued to ‘help’ with baby food, then rent, then health care. Toasting intensified and Moses and Tola’s marriage continued to flounder until it crashed, painfully.
What kind of a man insists that he will not take what is available in the absence of what is desirable? It was his son, his only child’s life that was at stake? Then what kind of woman takes money from another man to take care of her child. Infidelity has no other name. And infidelity is unacceptable. It’s a sin. Indeed, a crime against man and society.
Assuming, without conceding, that Tola lifted her skirts or parted her wrapper for another man, was she wrong to have done so to save her child?
She should have taken a loan, borrowed money from one of the loan apps, right? Those are options too, I agree. But have you seen a hen protecting her chicks from the hawk? Do you think the hen considers her own life and limbs when she chooses to go after the hawk? She can’t even fly, yet she thinks she’s big enough to threaten a hawk.
Mothers all are mother hens. Voice of reasoning they cannot hear when their children’s lives are threatened. Every voice, including the judgmental ones, pales into insignificance when their children come under any threat, even an imagined one.
When a woman misses her steps in the choice of a marriage partner, a lot of things will go wrong with her life. I’m restraining myself from concluding that everything will go wrong with her life. One of the things that are likely to happen to her is divorce. However, while separation and or divorce aren’t the final bus stop in her journey. She’s likely to do lots of detours before she gets to a point-of-no-return.
She will consider cheating.
She may then cheat.
She will consider love portion.
And actually deploy it.
She will lie to and manipulate her husband.
She will become overly religious or loose her religion altogether, in frustration.
She will be depressed .
She will end up a mental case.
She will become sickly .
She is likely to die young.
She may not make heaven, paradise.
Choosing carefully with your head screwed on tight is a matter of life and death in marriage.
Knowledge that marriage is not just any relationship is what every girl must pursue diligently.
Marriage is a lifetime journey. And yes, I repeat, I insist, marriage is a lifetime contract.
It does not matter if you opt out halfway, midway, along the way or you go the whole hog. Marriage defines a woman one way or the other. It makes or mar that choice you make. Of course, it affects the man too.
It is only marriage that has the capacity to rename a man or a woman. She’s either successfully and happily married or she’s separated or divorced. A man who’s made two bad choices in marriage is regarded with suspicion.
“Why are women leaving him”?
“Maybe his thing is small.”
“No, he’s stingy”
“He always beats them, that’s why they leave.”
“Or did he fall from his mother’s back?”
I won’t bore you with the judgements that are passed without any kind of hearing on women whose marriages fail. You know women hardly ever win, fair and unfair hearing. The society almost always declare us guilty. Even when a woman is paroled and decided to pick up the pieces, a failed marriage dodges her steps. She’s after one. She’s a divorcee. She can’t keep a home. She’s arrogant. If she becomes successful at whatever she does between one failed marriage and another attempt at a new one, you’d hear things like;
“The money has gone to her head”
“That one, she can’t submit to any man”
“She’s just looking for a man to control”
Marriage does not leave you alone, whether you succeed or fail at it. Do not take the choice of a life partner lightly. Choose wisely, carefully, because your life and your life-after depend on that choice.
- Egbemode, is former President, Nigeria Guild Of Editors, former Commissioner for Information, Osun State, her syndicated column, Intimate Affairs, appears on News Point Nigeria newspaper on Sundays. She can be reached on egbemode3@gmail.com.