Author: Funke Egbemode

YOU cannot take a maid. I cannot live with a maid. We will not employ a maid. If the man you are considering spending the rest of your life with is a man who is allergic to maids and househelps in any form, you need to pause and take a second look at your shopping list. Are you the kind of woman who can do without a maid, run a home without help and still grow a business or career? If yes, then you are good to go. Just think it through because this is 2025. Don’t for a minute…

IT is rare to find all four in one husband. Sometimes you find two in one man and unless God helps the couple, that marriage is doomed. These sins hurt and scar women. The men who commit them also suffer from deep-seated issues. The children bear the scars for life, oftentimes carrying them into their own marriages. Fortunately, they are sins, not incurable diseases. Let’s do a quick check. 1. The Mean Landlord This is the husband who bullies and threatens his wife with quit notice at every turn. Here are some of his favorite refrains; “I’ll soon send you…

WOMEN, we do all kinds of things, for love, for men. Some of those things are smart, many are stupid. One of the stupidest ones, or should I call it strangest, is women killing themselves because their men are mean cheating, lying sons of Adam. Why should a woman die because she is in a bad relationship? Why will a woman commit suicide because her husband’s ‘dangling modifier’ knows no boundaries? Why should a wife who has stomached her husband’s indiscretions for years suddenly sum up her life and decide the only logical way to reward her own resilience is…

KUDI, fine-girl-no-pimples, was one of those undergraduates who lived their lives on their own terms on campus. Kay-girl, as she was fondly called, was an ‘aristo’ girl. Small small boys were not her thing. She liked them known and rich, politicians and business tycoons. The age or size of their bellies did not matter. They just needed to be loaded in their pockets but if they were loaded ‘downstairs’ too, ah, that was an added advantage. Once, according to Kay-girl, she had ended up with a rich, fat ‘sugar daddy’ whose only load was in his pocket. You know those…

WOMEN, we do all kinds of things, for love, for men. Some of those things are smart, many are stupid. One of the stupidest ones, or should I call it strangest, is women killing themselves because their men are mean cheating, lying sons of Adam. Why should a woman die because she is in a bad relationship? Why will a woman commit suicide because her husband’s ‘dangling modifier’ knows no boundaries? Why should a wife who has stomached her husband’s indiscretions for years suddenly sum up her life and decide the only logical way to reward her own resilience is…

SHE married down, below her needs, wants and vision for the future. She was already a nurse in the state hospital when she met Dare. All Dare had was a fine face, great physique and creative hands. She was ambitious. He was not. She believed in setting goals and burning her candles at both ends to meet them. He believed in que sera sera, whatever will be will be. She saw a good life beyond where she was and was determined to get it. Dare believed in going with the flow. Nobody believed in them, Tutu and Dare. They were…

WHICH one of you started this new campaign of ‘women enslaving men’ again? I have been seeing the articles on different platforms about how women have a playbook on how they will make men become their slaves. And their text is taken from the a book called The Manipulated Man written by Esther Vilar in 1971. Yes 1971. Originally written in German and later translated to English. Guys, are we still on this matter? Why are you like this, seriously? How are we enslaving you and why do you need a 53 year-old book as reference for crying out loud!…

ARE there really women whose main and original ambition was to become second wives? I mean, are there women who never once had a goal of meeting a fine young man whose first wife they want to be? Do some women consciously set out to be second or third wives? Take a look at your young daughter, your sister, look back at your teenage years, your female teenage friends, your classmates in the university, did you actually hear any of them talking about playing second fiddles in marriage? Yet, I’m sure some of them are today second, third and even…

HOW many times do I have to warn wives to desist from going to the territory of their husband’s side chic or mistress to fight, physically fight? It is dangerous, demeaning, disgraceful. Babe, you can gossip about her, report her to her friends or even call her out on social media (which is also dangerous). You can even report her to God in any way you know, but you must not, should never go to her territory to roll up your sleeves or get into the gutter to do combat. Trespass is illegal everywhere including Nigeria. Becoming a public nuisance…

ONE man, three, four wives, and a strong home, a marriage that lasted till the end of their lives. How did our grandmothers, and great-grandmothers do it? How did they cope with the sleep roasters, sharing their men’s affection, attention and bodies? Didn’t they ever get jealous, feel betrayed when the men they love bring in new women? Wait, did they ever love their men? Their husbands? Maybe love never existed in their vocabulary? If love wasn’t part of the marriage deal in those days long gone, what held their homes and marriages together? What made it bearable when they…

I WAS nicely, gently coming out of church, my Pastor’s sermon still running around my brain, when my phone notified me that a certain Deputy Inspector-General of police had called me three times. That was strange. Usually I do the calling, almost always. I am the one who needs bailing out of tight corners. So I quickly called back. “Are you watching this discussion on television?” He asked. I rushed to YouTube to catch up, and lo and behold, the discussion was about ejaculation, masturbation, outsourcing, erectile dysfunction and so on. Come on, why was a DIG watching program? He…

‘WHOSE idea was this whole ‘husband snatcher’ theory? Who started it? I asked my friend. He’s a man, street-wise one too. ‘Women.’ He said simply, and continued scrolling through the Whatsapp messages on his phone. ‘Women what?’ I asked, covering the screen of his phone with my palm. ‘Women started it, like many other theories. You people are very creative especially when it comes to intimate affairs.’ He winked and chuckled. ‘Come on, be serious.’ ‘I am as serious as let-us-pray. Have you ever heard a man call a woman husband-snatcher? Oh wow, that’s true. I said under my breath.…

HE was the lord of his manor. Whatever he said was law. His children feared him. His wife trembled at his feet. He was a god in his private shrine and decreed that he be accorded the appropriate worship and sacrifice or he breathed fire from both nostrils. He ruled his home with an iron fist and he was feared more than respected, avoided not loved. For 33 straight years, his wife put up with his excesses. His children watched their mother endure her marriage. She wore a smile that eventually became a grimace but she soldiered on. Nobody was…

“WHEN I confided in my pastor that my husband and I were finally ready to try IVF, he shook his head so vigorously I thought he was going to have a fit. “Your faith is gone. Sister, have you concluded that God needs help, that he cannot give you a child? Have you not heard testimonies of women who had babies in their 50s, even in their 60s? Have you forgotten the story of Sarah? Why do you want to help God?” Sister Joke was lost, short of words, shaken, could not understand where her pastor was coming from, where…

TAMUNO was a man-about-town. He played the field and sowed generously. He gave himself as well as his substance. He was the Nigerian version of Don Juan. He knew where all a girl’s buttons were and once he got his fingers on them, he kept them there until both he and the girl were sated and satisfied. And the girls were eager to please. Tamuno, the player, he reigned long, hard and deep. Of course, all good things must come to an end. So it was for Tamuno. He decided to retire from the players club. That was when his…

SOMETIMES a woman finds herself at a destination she did not plan for, a place where she neither bargained for nor boarded a bus or plane to. She just wakes up and finds herself there, a totally new place where she has to learn a new language, new coping skills, a different way of life. What is she supposed to do especially when the new place brings with it both fortune and challenges? Let us start with a woman who married a young brilliant middle-income man when they were both junior executives in a bank, and then 20 years later,…

DO women pretend when looking for a husband material? Well, the truth is they do. Do men do the same? You bet. We are all in the game, unfortunately. We all seem to have pasts that are as long as from Lagos to Gombe and so there is so much to hide. And we all want to hide them. But if you ask me, men encourage the pretext and the lies. A man who has taken 10 maidenheads wants to marry a virgin. Why shouldn’t there be girls who will do a concoction of alum and other corrosives to make…

MUDA had four wives. To their neighbours, all was well. There was never any noise of fight from their expansive compound. People envied the man . He must be a good man. He must be full wisdom. How is he able to make four women live under the same roof without broken jaws or endless stream of swear words and Yoruba curses? There must be something he knows about women that other men don’t. Then one day, Muda went on a trip. It was not the first time he was going on a long journey but that particular trip shook…

AFTER 15 years in the US, Bolaji returned to Nigeria, alone with only what can fit into his suitcases. He returned without a wife, his two children. He was not deported. His marriage failed. His wife got custody of the children and their home. Bolaji decided to return to Nigeria to start all over. ‘I counted my teeth with my tongue and told myself coming back to Nigeria at age 45 would turn out better than continuing to stay in a land that took my youth and sweat just to keep up appearances, pretending that all was well. All was…

HOW many times have you thought about calling it quits with your marriage, a thousand and one times? There is usually that season in marriage when a woman feels like everything and everybody is against her. It is that season when she doubts herself and how and why she married the man she married. The sight of her husband leaves her cold and unmoved or even burning with hatred when all along she had dreamt of happily ever after. She keeps wondering how and when love flew out of the window and coldness or indif-ference took residence. She adds all…