SHE married down, below her needs, wants and vision for the future. She was already a nurse in the state hospital when she met Dare. All Dare had was a fine face, great physique and creative hands. She was ambitious. He was not. She believed in setting goals and burning her candles at both ends to meet them. He believed in que sera sera, whatever will be will be. She saw a good life beyond where she was and was determined to get it. Dare believed in going with the flow.
Nobody believed in them, Tutu and Dare. They were worlds apart but only others saw it. Tutu’s parents begged her, they appealed, they threatened. Her friends too.
This boy can’t feed himself.
He’s living with his friends who are also jobless.
A man who wants to sell carvings and paintings for a living is a man you will feed and clothe.
You will regret this.
It was like a prophecy but Tutu wanted who she wanted. Eight months of whirlwind romance and they got married at Ikoyi Registry, Lagos. Dare moved out of his downtown Lagos (Isale Eko) place into Tutu’s mini flat in Gbagada. And that was the beginning of their problems. Oh no, not that there was or is anything wrong with humble beginnings or a new bride helping in the home.
It was more of two people heading in different directions boarding the same bus. Life with the boys in Lagos was what Dare was used to. Life on the mainland was most certainly different and too demanding for Dare, the new husband. He wanted to go hang out with his ‘goons’ back home, even when he had to ask Tutu for transport fare. He wanted Tutu to cook with fresh fish for his friends when they came to watch football in their small apartment. Tutu wanted them to save and plan.
Dare wanted to sleep till noon like he used to. He said he could paint only when the ‘spirit’ moved him. When Tutu told him to take a nine-to-five job so he could paint after work and at weekends, Dare was shocked and insulted.
So, painting is not work? I’m jobless and useless, right?
Look here ‘orente’, I am the husband here and I sell my paintings.
But he had not sold any painting in a whole month. They had to feed and pay bills. Tutu loved Dare and shouldered the young family’s responsibilities until she could no longer do it.
The partnership probably would have been easier if the couple had the same vision, shared a common goal but they were too different, really.
They married for love, sweet romance. Maybe Dare is a wild animal in bed. Maybe a fair-skinned curvy nurse in neat short dress is an aphrodisiac. But marriage can’t survive on just love and great sex. No, it can’t. There are too many curves and bends in marriage. It is an uncharted path and each couple has to make their own way, figure out their maps. There is no manual. You put yours together to fit your vehicle and terrain.
Every couple must go into it with their eyes peeled and head screwed on tight. Whatever Dare and Tutu did it for, they were not prepared for the journey because they were supposed to be on different paths.
So Tutu was slowly moving up in her career. Dare was not making any real headway. He does not want to take a regular job. He loves the arts. The arts love him but there is no money in there and soon the love in the marriage started looking for an escape route.
Love is like that. Whatever we think it is or have idolized it to be, it’s got a fickle body and is prone to flight. Love, it leaves when the other tough things move in. Look around you before you start arguing. Take a quick census of marriages broken and breaking and swear the couples in pain now were not in love first.
Each time Tutu talked about Dare getting a job, a verbal war always followed.
‘I am an artist. You knew that when you agreed to marry me. An artist I am, an artist I’ll die. You cannot change me. I know you are comparing me with your brothers and your friends’ husbands but you can’t. I won’t let you. I’m the man here, the husband, your husband’.
So, telling Date to get a job so they could eat better, get a better apartment and plan a better future became a testy topic. Yet the burden of being a bread winner was wearing Tutu out.
Three years into their marriage, Dare started hassling Tutu for a child.
We need to start a family.
Why are you not pregnant?
You need to get off all the contraceptives.
I admit that many women have been known to marry men who were not as successful as they were when they first met. But this is not the point here. A man not being rich or able to pick the family bills at 30 is not a problem. It is men who sit on their backsides and expect manna to fall one way or another that are dangerous. Those ones who won’t get up and won’t let their wives rise or stand. I know you have met a few or even know women who are married to them. It is not a delight watching the struggle in those families.
The woman wants a better life. She is willing to start life in a small apartment but she does not want to raise her children in a face-me-I-face-you. She does not want her children to go to public school. And she is willing to work hard to achieve the better life she wants. She is a cleaner in the morning and a trader in the afternoon. She is a civil servant during the week and a private lesson teacher at weekends. She is a secretary on Monday and a make-up artiste on Saturday. She married holding just an OND certificate but is currently pursuing a Master’s degree. Her husband is still holding his HND. No improved degree, no new vocation or skills acquired. He is just there blaming his boss and Tinubu and APC. His wife has caught up with him and overtaken him.
Many women survive the hassles and struggles. Many also slump and die prematurely because they would rather face their ’hussles’ than nag their husbands.
Marrying for love is romantic but marriage is not a romantic relationship. It is a life, a new life that you have to live for a lifetime. If a man marries a laid-back woman, that life may be hard but if a woman marries a laid-back man, the journey will definitely be hard and the chances of the couple not arriving their destinations together, in one peace, is high. If the responsibility-overload kills a mother while the children are still young, we all know the drill that follows.
Women are wired to receive. Men are wired to give. When that divine arrangement is altered, the marriage becomes a trial, a task, not a union. If a man married to an unambitious woman finds prosperity, he covers the gap. Women are not wired like that. If all a woman does is pay bills all her life, submission, care, even lovemaking, become a chore, hard labour. More marriages have been known to fail where the man is not pulling his weight.
In all, note, before you launch into a self-righteous homily, that this is about laid-back husbands who blame everybody and everything for their woes. This, definitely, is not about responsible, hardworking husbands who are waiting for their breakthrough.
Lesson of the day? Young lady, make sure that man you want to marry shares your goals and aspirations. Make sure he is the man you can look up to, not look down on. If he is contented with being average and you are aiming for the stars, your union is heading for the rocks.
- Egbemode, is former President, Nigeria Guild Of Editors, former Commissioner for Information, Osun State, her syndicated column, Intimate Affairs, appears on News Point Nigeria newspaper on Sundays. She can be reached on egbemode3@gmail.com.