SOMETIMES, a woman is just a glorified call girl, “olosho” , but she tells herself she’s in a relationship. She calls a man her boyfriend while he sees her as just a booty call. She believes she has a man in her life while the man sees her as just one of the girls in his life. She invests her time and body in the ‘relationship’ while the man treats her a little bit better than a prostitute. She’s the one that is all over him just like chocolate melts all over ice cream. The guy, on the other hand, spreads his cream all over many chocolates.
Am I communicating? Do you know any couple like that? Maybe you are one of the men that are currently leading a woman on a wild goose chase knowing that she’s heading for a heart-shattering end not the altar?
Are you a woman who think she’s finally found a man who will propose to her but deep down you know something is wrong. Your heart tells you to believe this is your final bus stop while your head is telling you your journey will still start again after this stop.
Let me attempt to break it down.
Many women know that the only time the men in their lives talk to them and listen to what they have to say is when the man is in-between their legs. Yes, the man is warm and nice only when he’s in her warm place. He’s attentive only when he’s worshiping in her scared place. Once he’s done, he’s gone. He becomes a new creature, another man emerges and she can’t reach him again until the next time.
Sex, that is all that is holding them together. If unless and until you are having sex, you cannot reach your man, you are not in a relationship. Let us play some scenarios.
You are in a relationship with a man but the two of you don’t live in the same town. Note this, he calls four times a day when he’s coming to the town where you live. He sends you jokes and Facebook links of your favorite online comedians. He remembers such words as honey and darling and sweetheart and makes you feel special and loved so you could drop everything and be at his ‘service’ for the period he’s in town.
A weekend of intense sex and he returns to his base. Then the calls and text and jokes thin out. He ignores your calls and when he eventually returns one or two of them, he explains everything away with ‘you know how it is now, I have been crazy busy juggling a dozen meetings’. But as soon as it’s time for another workshop or a party in the town you live, he starts prepping you again for another ‘intensive course in occasional sex’.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with that arrangement if it is also what you want, after all, all work and no play makes Jackie a dull girl. But you should stop thinking there’s more to what you guys share. You are a warm body for a visiting Don Juan. That’s all. It’s just sex. Just enjoy it and stop hoping you are heading for the altar.
Another scenario: Her husband or fiancé is in Dublin and she’s waiting for everything to fall in place so she can join him, but she has stopped wearing her ring all the time. So she meets you, fine-boy-no-pimple, great-in-the-sack. The sex, for her, is body-no-be-wood arrangement. Bros, don’t go and start ‘catching feelings’. It is only her body that is here. Her heart is abroad.
You are just a sex-provider. Separate your heart from your third leg in this matter. If you watch her closely, you will see that she wears her ring when you stumble on her in other places, that is when she’s not under you or on top of you. She attends her in-law’s events. Don’t read any ‘mushy-mushy’ feeling into your arrangement. Yes, because that is all there is. As soon as her documents are complete and her visa is in, you will be left grabbing air.
Third scenario: You have been in that relationship for two years. The sex is hot and consistent. Once he corners you anywhere, his office, your kitchen, he drills you like a Sergeant Major. Ah, and if it’s a weekend in his house, he flips you like burger until you beg for mercy. But as soon as you bring up topics that tend towards ring, babies and visiting your parents, he gets up and drinks water, gets in the shower or starts a long phone conversation with his office. If you are supposed to spend the weekend in his house and you suddenly come down with cold and malaria, he’s more pissed than sympathetic. He’s more worried about how have you ‘ruined his weekend’ than what the doctor said or your hospital bill.
If your period shows up when sex is on his mind, he gets angry as if the ‘visitor’ is what can be turned back when it shows up unannounced. The two years you have played wifey and housekeeper don’t mean to him what they mean to you. That’s why each time you ask him ‘when are we getting married’? He retorts: ‘what’s the rush?’. Then he pulls you into a ‘Cordelia’ shape and starts doing to you what he’s good at. If that is what you want from two years of pretend-wife, go on, give it all up. If you want more, you may want to move on.
Go on, scratch your head, examine your life. Analyze your relationship if you are sure you are in one. Does he love you as much as you love him or you are the one providing the love for both of you? Is this a one-winged flight, a one-sided affair? Are you in a relationship with yourself or there’s really a man in your life who loves you beyond the hot sex?
All sex is good. All relationships need sex, good sex, but not all sex occur in love relationships. Does your partner care, truly care for you outside the bedroom? Does he walk the talk after you have taken him to all the clouds? Does he only say ‘I love you’ when he’s about to drop his load? If he makes great promises when you are doing things to his body and soul but never keeps the least of them, you need to double-check.
Sometimes, sex is just a walking stick with which we prop up a dying affair. At other times, in desperation, we convince ourselves that a man who knows how to deploy his third leg is a husband material. That’s a sad and depraved street. Get off it. Only sex is just not enough, so do not shortchange yourself. You deserve it all, everything. Not just the sex.
– Egbemode, is former President, Nigeria Guild Of Editors, former Commissioner for Information, Osun State, her syndicated column, Intimate Affairs, appears on News Point Nigeria newspaper on Sundays. She can be reached on egbemode3@gmail.com.